Rain_Scent

for being less of who i am...

for not being more than i should be...

gomenasai.

Come tomorrow
When the lights would flicker
I’ll be there to hold you tight

Come tomorrow
When your hair is grey
I’ll be there to color them all the way.

Come tomorrow
When your face wrinkle
I’ll kiss your cheeks with gentle and crinkled lips

Come tomorrow
When the kids grow
I’ll be there to hold you.

Come tomorrow
When your hands are tired and bruised
I’ll hold them in my heart like fragile rosebuds.

Come tomorrow
When your love has gone awry
The love in my heart will stay.

i love you tart and i always will ;p

caught in this silence
i beg the stars for an answer
far ahead I see darkness
i close my eyes and freeze

the cradle of confusion
as I crumble and fall
beckons me back to emptiness
i cry and fall on my knees.

a taste of loneliness
i screamed my heart out
but these walls are deaf
and your heart stoned.

My ka-RUNGGI's would really think I'm a LOSER! A day away from anniversary and I'm at the office while everyone else is on an outreach somewhere; they could be doing that marathon again in San Juanico bridge or they could be at RSDF having lunch I really don't know but I know they're somewhere F-U-N!

I'm trying so damn hard not to write this blog but I bumped into Vanessa's account at multiply. I haven't really met her (tama ba? leche nagamnesia na liwat ak..ayaw gad ak baranga!) she could be 5 or 10 batches away from mine but somehow I feel a soft spot in my heart for her like everybody else in the org. I clicked on a photoalbum and everything else came back to me like it was just yesterday.

I miss caroling in December for HALAD. I miss Howling November. I miss practice for Dulaang Pilipino where all the drama happens - sweat, tears, sleepless nights, hunger, bulad, dahon sa saging, sardinas, tuna, kinamot and Ate Ruby - the source of all the drama for Dulaang Pilipino. (Ate Ruby, do you still write the story and the script for our entries? Grandslam na ba?). I miss organizing and papa hunting at FRESHMEN FROLIC. I miss walking around downtown for solicitation -first place to go is Mano Leo at Pag-ibig with matching harana bwehehehe. I miss crazy day with the all the costumes. I miss signing the sig sheet (I bet the new memebers and applicants had a hard time memorizing my name and if those "barangan members" are as "barangan" as we were they'd include my name on the exams hahaha my name's spelled this way H-E-I-D-E-L not H-I-E-D-E-L gotcha!) and damn I realized if I just try really hard to clear my mind I can still recite the preamble without faltering on each comma.

After_the_parade_2I miss the tambayan - banana que at the tambayan, kulitan (aw an barang ngay-an!) during meetings, the music and Kuya Boboy's guitar with matching galore, the endless chismis and pandaot in between classes and "absences on some subjects" , the sound of runggi "tawa" even that guba-on lamesa, I see ur still using the old lamesa nga ginpanday ni NUR, PASON ngan MIK-MIK maka100 times (pati iton nga lingkuran nga makadmo na ak nabiktima d man kunta ak mabug-at. Ito ba nga pula nga pintar bago na or an hadi pa iton? OO gad ada, dapat la kay pirmi la ada it iyo solicit kan Mano Leo. Ngan sosyal na kamo may whiteboard na kan kanay ito project? CONGRATS!)

I miss my batchmates (Jo, MayJoy, Jett, Yuyen, Mae, Nur, Pason, Mik2x and Frtiz) and the adopted Bgirl! I miss all the babaeng bakla and bayot (nga tanan nga lalaki kuno ha runggi bayot siring nra..ayaw na la react kay tu-od man la liwat -hehehe bisan ngadi barang la gihap hahaha) all the "hot papa's" of runggi (Kuya Paps ikaw gud la it akon gintutukoy didi..hahaha balitaw nga tanan nga Runggi gwapo!). I miss all the parahubog (which means kamo nga tanan! waray runggi nga d nainom bwhehehe).

God, how I miss RUNGGIYAN! It would spell out everything and everyone else in Tacloban. I'll forever be thankful to the org for bringing out the best in me and for giving me the best times and people in my life. Someday I'll get a chance to pay you back. I hope to have my ritual on Decmeber this year sana lang. All you Runngi's out there should you bump into my page pat yourself at the back and be proud you're part of a prestigious organization. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY RUNGGI!!!

They say that long distance relatonship do NOT work 90% is doomed to fail and only 10% work. Friends would you agree? "Who the hell are you kidding; it just doesn't work" - for the pessimistic and "What if I belong to the 10%? It's worth the risk" - for the airheads.So much for that never ending discussion of fialed and successful relationships, let's just get into the facts. Well, let's weigh the pros and cons according to me.

cons
(an endless list this page won't be enough but there's really one thing that bothers me...we can't hold each other's hands. It matters to me.)

pros
(nothing much really except that I get to have peace of mind from kitty, emang and jo-ann...they'd be disappointed if I spend so much time with my "so-called boyfriend" hehehe palag mo? >>> joke ra!)

Friends and experience would prove the statistics. Yes. You would probably think I'm stupid. I was just telling myself maybe I am but I don't really care if my brain tells me so. The only thing that matters now is I'm with someone who wants me in his life despite the distance and that I know deep in my heart I've found someone who I'm willing to share life with - no doubts. If people raise their brows I'd let them be. I'm giving it my best shot this time.

Honestly, I don't care if I belong to that 10% nor would I want to be on the 90% doomed relationships. I don't want to be just a statistic. I want to be just someone who lived and loved - lived and love well at that.

"Love is the shortest distance between hearts."

(react la ok man la ha ak...)

Woke up today with my sister's voice from the living room she just arrived from work. I remembered turning my alarm off just after midnight. I got this urge to just stay in bed until my head aches or until i hear my tummy churn becuase of hunger whichever comes first. But as always I pull myself out of bed and prepared myself for work. I've come to love this shift. I've been to three centers now and by a stroke of luck I always seem to get this shift only difference is I take the cab alone this time. I remembered the taxi ride with Mommy Teenah and Mar. We always sing the last song played on the cab until mid of our shift and sometimes until the end of the day and we'd never stop reprimanding ourselves to stop our LSS - Last Song Syndrome. I mean it was fine if it were a new release but what do you expect to hear on FM radio stations at 2AM? Yeah, maybe your parent's theme song or even worse your grandparent's theme songs. Anyhow, I heard Jimmy Bondoc's song just before I left the apartment. It's melanchonic theme brings back things from the past however hurtful truths make me see that there's always something better tomorrow which reminds me I have a lot of things to do in the office - so let bygones be bygones...

Here's something I've compiled through those morning hangovers way back in college...good beer, good friends, good conversations, good realizations but bad hangovers....

1. I have learned... that FRIENDS and COLLEAGUES are two totally different things like the sun and the moon.
2. I have learned... that you can never change the past but it doesn't necessarily have to affect the future and that they should come handy at present.
3. I have learned... that certain things can be learned in time.
4. I have learned... that you can't choose the person you love but you can choose to make things work for you and the one you love.
5. I have learned... that people judge you for what they do NOT know not for what they know.
6. I have learned...that words unspoken hurt as much as words spoken.
7. I have learned… that when people push you away it is better to take a step back than to move forward and hurt even more or to stay put and eventually fall.
8. I have learned… that the greater challenge is not to love but to let the other person love you back even just a bit.
9. I have learned… that you get to choose what kind of life you’d like to have.
10. I have learned… that happiness is something you need to work hard for.
11. I have learned… that no matter how hard you try there’s always someone who’s going to pull you down. You just have to learn how to hold on tighter.
12. I have learned… that it pays when you’re true to yourself.
13. I have learned… that changing your decision doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve made a wrong one you might just be making the right one after all.
14. I have learned… that you shouldn’t let insignificant people’s opinion affect you rather be concerned on the opinion of people who matters most to you.
15. I have learned… that there are things better left unsaid.
16. I have learned… that true friendship isn’t measured by time.
17. I have learned… that some people don’t really give you what you deserve. You just have to take what you can have from them.
18. I have learned… that time is still the best healer.
19. I have learned… that life is too short to waste on anger and bitterness.
20. I have learned… that we don’t always get what we want and want what we get.
21. I have learned… that like the bamboo it is better to bend a little when the wind strikes than to break.
22. I have learned… that if you don’t make it today you could always try tomorrow.
23. I have learned… that you must give bad people a chance to become better because they need it more than the good ones.
24. I have learned… that you can do anything as long as you put your heart into it.
25. I have learned… that your worst enemy is yourself.
26. I have learned… that it’s possible to hide the tears between smiles but it is almost next to impossible to hide the pain in your eyes.
27. I have learned… that you’ll never be happy if you don’t appreciate little things that you have.
28. I have learned… that everything has it’s own time.
29. I have learned… that you’re responsible not only to yourself but for others as well.
30. I have learned… that it is necessary to give people the benefit of the doubt.
31. I have learned… that some people find it really difficult to show their love.
32. I have learned… that like in the movies there’s always an antagonist in your life as you are the main actor of the film.
33. I have learned… that sometimes you say hurtful words when you’re angry not because you want to hurt the person intentionally but to let the person see and understand how much pain you feel.
34. I have learned… that sometimes I could not find the answers to questions when I needed it the most but I should eventually.
35. I have learned… that laughter doesn’t mean happiness just as tears don’t mean sadness.
36. I have learned… that birthdays comes only once in a year but so as every other ordinary day.We have to make each day special.
37. I have learned… that distance does make the heart grow fonder but that fondness may not be for the same person.
38. I have learned… that it is important to spend time alone for yourself no matter how busy you are.
39. I have learned… that looks are indeed deceiving but that’s not an excuse to distrust everyone.
40. I have learned… that crying doesn’t mean you’re weak but makes you understand that you’re only human.
41. I have learned… that special moments don’t last long so better make use of the time while it lasts.
42. I have learned… that hatred is the heaviest baggage that you carry in your heart so better get rid of that along the way.
43. I have learned… that people will come to touch your life but not all of them stay.
44. I have learned… that everything in this world changes even people's feelings.
45. I have learned… that it takes a lot of courage to hurt the person you love but it takes a lot more courage not to hurt the person you love.
46. I have learned… that happiness is always a choice.
47. I have learned… that money does make the world go round but it can never buy you happiness.
48. I have learned… that even if life is at its best, imperfections make it perfect!
49. I have learned… that doing what is good isn't always right just as doing what is right isn't always good.
50. I have learned… that no family is perfect so you need to love them because nobody will love you more than they will.
51. I have learned… that you’ll never know how much you’ve earned and you’ve lost unless you've given it a try.
52. I have learned… that fear breeds insecurity and insecurity breeds despair.
53. I have learned… that “I’m sorry” doesn’t heal the pain in your heart but saying it would at the least make you both feel better.
54. I have learned… that you can never take back hurtful words you’ve said.
55. I have learned… that people will always come and go in our lives.
56. I have learned… that when you laugh you also cry.
57. I have learned… that things happen when you least expect them.
58. I have learned… that greater expectations lead to greater frustration.
59. I have learned… that friends can be found anywhere but true friends are rare.

...i will be updating this post once in a while since good beer, good friends, good conversations are still around and since life is still a learning process but hangovers? nah...they're still nasty...

Been meaning to write something here but time wouldn't allow me (if only there were 50 hours in a day maybe I could do this everyday). Nothing really special today just my friend wanting me to fly to Bo's in an hour because she needed to talk to me. I didn't make it because I had to wait for someone (talk about duties and responsibilities). Let's go back to the topic about my friend's "having direction in her life" drama. Yes, we're turning 26 this year and we had different needs then when we were 24 ('twas 2 years ago when this "i'll-stick-with-you-when-you're-wrong" friendship). Life was so much simpler then. What she didn't know I felt what she is feeling now even then. Another year came and I thought I had everything figured out. I worried about one thing and solved it yet another worry came and found was to solve it (life's suppose to be that way). I would say this an early stage of mid-life crisis. I remembered we were betting on who'd get laid first during one of our sane moments over our piñacolada and tequila sunrise glasses. After a year we started betting on who'd get married first and we're on our way to that who-would-get-a-baby-first bet - hahaha. Isn't it the pattern? Truth to tell no matter how hard I try to stay away from that pattern life is leading me to that direction only that I have unstable and mixed emotions about it. I wouldn't really know since I can't picture someone with me on that stage in my life right now. The last time I imagined it I thought everything was in place but life has a funny way of screwing these things. We don't get what we want all the time. You go through a cycle, you fall in love, fall out of love, get your heart broken, get your heart mended, fall in love again, then fall out of love - a tedious cycle. I fell in love; I fell out of love; I got my heart broken; I had my heart mended; I fell in love again and my heart is breaking (should I get someone to mend it this time?). Well, things should just be simple and I guess that pattern is the simplest one. Why the hell should I complicate it.

Sorry beat u at that....toldyah! don't give me crazy ideas maeyn....u just got urself in real trouble! ;p

Half-life by Duncan Sheik

I'm awake in the afternoon
I fell asleep in the living room
and it's one of those moments
when everything is so clear

before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend
tell me now, tell me how to make amends

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time of any kind

I keep trying to understand
this thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I'll let you know
when i figure it out

but I don't mind a few mysteries
they can stay that way it's fine by me
and you are another mystery i am missing
It takes so much out of me to pretend

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time of any kind

come on lets fall in love
come on lets fall in love
come on lets fall in love again

'cause lately something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life, without you I am breaking down

wake me, let me see the daylight
save me from this half-life
let's you and I escape
escape from time

come on lets fall in love
come on lets fall in love
come on lets fall in love again

I need a break...Damn, I'm tired yet I can't complain. Choices come in different shapes and sizes but they come as a package. My choice just happens to be too heavy to bear at the moment. Days may seem really eventful but too empty. An emptiness filled with packets of sugar to sweeten things a bit and ironically turns everything sour at the end of the day. Just before my head hit the pillow is a glimpse of that lethargic isolation. I wake up with all the hope of filling my day with these sweet little packets and longing to make today a better day than yesterday. Yes, I think Ivy was right. It's going to be hellish and it is one big hell right now but she said it's just a couple of months. I see a light at the end of this tunnel and it's very near. I can feel it and almost touch it...can you?

Another one of those moments and for these moments...took me sometime to think of the title but thanks to "FREE EDITORS" round the corner.... < maeyn, even if u cudn't fathom and swallow the little insanity of lousy perennials- u still see ME...wat can I say but "kam sa ham ni da". arrrrggghhhh KORN! Hoy panagsa ra ni ha ayaw panganad! >

B U R N E D


My soul burns with passion

My dreams light

That burning fire inside

Soul searching

Long before this would come

As I wipe the tears in my eyes

Do I just run away and hide?

I turn around.

And saw that freedom

I found solace in you.

Sweet confusion.

Rainbow’s promise

But still I shed these tears

Now tell me

Do I just run away and hide again?


(0411060115)

http://tender05.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/06/finders_keepers.html

Caught in this silenceImages1_4
i beg the stars for an answer
far ahead I see darkness
i close my eyes and freeze


the cradle of confusion
as I crumble and fall
beckons me back to emptiness
i cry and fall on my knees.


a taste of loneliness
i screamed my heart out
but these walls are deaf
and your heart stoned.

(060117 )

here's my new song....

FRAGILE

I've been walking around all day,
Thinking.
I think I have a problem,
I think I think too much.
I've been taught to hold back my tears,
And avoid them.
But you make pain into something I could touch.

I've been walking around all day,
Laughing.
I think I'd be better off without you here.
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over.
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that's okay.
Let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile.
I am hopeless.
I'm not perfect.
But I am free.

I've been walking around all day,
Waiting.
And waiting is all I seem to do.
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it.
But this time i'll just have to.
Yeah this time i'll just have to.

And I'm fragile.
I am hopeless.
I'm not perfect.
But I am free.

Say you're not around, Am I finished?
If you're not around, thats too bad.
Hope youre safe and sound, not alone now.
Cause you know I believe in you.

I'm still fragile,
I'm still hopeless,
I'm not perfect,
But I am free.

And I'm fragile,
I am hopeless,
I'm not perfect,
But I am free.

And oh I am fragile,
hopeless,
I'm not perfect,
But I am free.

oh oh oh oh....(till the end)

I had to rush out of the house this morning. Just thinking of the tons of things i had to do today makes my head spin. I got a round of nag from my brother just before I stepped out of the door of our apartment. "Nganong sapoton man ka?" came that booming hiss from the bedroom. I shrugged my shoulders and locked the door. I forgot to call my mom last night cause I went home late. I called her up this morning but I mind wasn't on the call really.
When I'm too stressed out I can't help but be grumpy. What can I do? I'm sure all of you would agree that stress really takes a toll on our day to day activities and interaction with people. It's funny how we keep ourselves so busy working and forgeting the reasons why we're breaking those bones for work. Let's not forget that the best things in life are still for free.
Tomorrow I promise to sit on the breakfast table with my brother and my sister relaxed and free from all my office woes.

Best times are spent with the best people...best moments isn't only about the people you're with but how you spent it even with the worst people....

Something beautiful on a beautiful day....Happy Valentine's to everyone.... read on!
-------

CHOICES...

There comes a time in your life, when you must decide,

No help from anyone, on which you've always relied.

Between right and wrong, between black and white,

Between good and bad, to walk away or fight.

To be honest and true. to be open with your heart,

Or to hide your feelings, play it safe from the start.

To sit back and watch, to listen and learn,

Or jump into the fire, taking a chance on a burn.

To stay. to move. to not care, or always prove.

To be strong, to be weak, to be aggressive, to be meek.

To laugh out loud with all your might, or smile a little just to be polite.

To stay together. to live apart. to think with your mind, or trust your with heart.

To live in the past. to always look back, to look ahead to the future, with ambition you won't lack.

Begun at the front. or start at the end, believe in your own self, or follow the trend.

To dream. to hope, to quit, to cope. To be a lover, to be a friend to be real, or just pretend.

Choices we make can make or break, to have to decide at all could be our worst fall.

Choices are sometimes deceiving, you can be lured by the sweetest bait.

So make your decision wisely, because to change your mind could be too late.

Life is about choices, for however we decide,

We'll have to live with our decision until the day we have died.

-----------------------

Live life as if there's no tomorrow...don't let time pass you by coz tomorrow might just be too late...